Super Crictics Conference

Where Are You, Lily?

I’ve loved Lily Allen ever since she burst onto the pop scene, teasing the world with her captivatingly naughty lyrics and refreshingly honest take on life. The fact that the girl don’t care makes me smile, yet watching her new documentary series – From Riches To Rags on Channel 4 – I can’t help myself feeling slightly saddened at her attitude. And when I say attitude I don’t mean that in a negative way, because from what I can see she has a good take on life – it’s more her attitude to business matters that concerns me.

As you will know if you’ve seen episodes 1 and 2, Lily Allen might be a great singer but when it comes to working out a business plan and how to spend money, she needs a lot of help. Fortunately for her she has her half-sister to help her, so all is not lost. But watching the drama unfold – as it gets closer to the big day of the duo opening their own boutique clothing store – you can’t help but feel like you want to dive behind the sofa. Or better still, into the TV and give her a damn good shake. “Wake up Lily!” you want to say, “this is not a joke!”

And it really isn’t. Yes she’s rich and yes she has millions of adoring fans (fans who would probably pay for the letters r4i if Lilly was to write them in her own excrement, I’m sure), but it wouldn’t take too much of a hitch to put a dent in her rather loving fan-base.

Here’s hoping that the girls get it sorted and that the numbers come out as well as Lily’s recent awards.

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From Riches To Rags…Or From Rags To Complete Disaster

If you were a bank manager and Lily Allen came into your high-street branch of Barclays, and Lilly Allen – on this occasion – was just any girl, how would this business plan sound: vintage clothing for women who can’t afford the really expensive supermodel clothes, run by me, sourced by me, everything, in fact, by me and my sister Sarah. Yes, my sister who I hated for years. Would that sound good? You’d probably put the sister-hating thing aside, what with being a numbers man or woman, and want to know about finances and experience first, before you really considered lending money.

But wait a minute, there is no money…and wait an even longer minute: there’s even less experience.

This wasn’t quite the situation at the start of the Lily Allen documentary last night (part 1 of 3), but it was close. With Lily bank-rolling the venture it was looking good. Then we learned that actually, between them they know precisely nothing about retail. Worse still, Lily is deluded about what money really is, what with being so rich, and her sister Sarah spent the last 10 years in a self-confessed party vacuum.

Suddenly, me and my friend Paul Kenton are thinking that maybe giving up music wasn’t the brightest move Lily Allen ever made…

Who knows how it’ll turn out. Obviously it wasn’t a miserable failure, seeing as the store is still open and seemingly doing well, but it will be intriguing to see how the girls get along in parts 2 and 3 when the going really gets tough.

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