Super Crictics Conference

What a Sick World

It has come to my attention in the last six months that the world we live in is in such a bad moral state that it makes me wonder what on earth went wrong? I am mainly talking about man’s disgusting treatment of the earth and all those who live on it. At some point in history, men decided that they owned the earth and were free to do to it whatever they wanted, and we are now living in a situation where it has become a routine habit for most people, especially in the western world, to be a part of the capture, torture, cruelty, abuse and murder of millions of animals each year.

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Mega Moan 2012

You won’t believe it but a week or two ago I was full of the joys of the new year. “Bring it on!” I thought. “Go Team 2012! Woo-hoo! New year, new start!” I cheered to myself. Thankfully it only took a day or two to wear off, but luckily it did and I was back to my old cynical self before long. I like to think that brief period of optimism was a inbuilt function of my brain to carry me over the most depressing day of the year (January the 3rd is what most people claim) without imploding.

To celebrate shaking off the Optimism Flu, I thought I’d start off the year blog-wise with a look at the top three things I’m going to hate in 2012. I could complain about stuff happening right now (the stupid indecisive weather, the cost of heating oil if it ever does get cold, my cats insanely expensive tooth problems) but no. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

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Why don’t you?

There was a TV programme when I was a kid (and I’m showing my age here) called “Why Don’t You?” and was basically aimed at moaning minnies like me. The basic premise was that you should stop moping around the house feeling bored when there was lots of stuff you could be doing out in the big wide world. The fact that they seemed to have unlimited access to art materials for their big posters and a steady stream of helpful adults to drive them to interesting and entertaining places was neither here nor there, apparently. It wasn’t my cup of tea and since then any sentence starting with the words “why don’t you…” has brought me out in a cold sweat.

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The death of art as we know it?

Here’s something I let everyone know, and usually within about an hour of meeting them (regardless of whether I have met them before or not): I love Doug Hyde and his art – I’m basically obsessed with the way he paints things and his outlook on life (which is very positive). Aside from the fact he’s been described as the UK’s most popular living artist, I like his style and the meaning of his paintings (type his name into Google and you’ll get his web-site, which is well worth a look).

To me it just seems to be a lot of people shouting LOOK AT ME! until someone does

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Moaning about TV: give it up!

TV is incredible. I am sick of people moaning about how terrible and awful it is, and so I am bucking the trend here – as is obvious – by having a good rant, firstly, about how amazingly wonderful it is.

And it is. Wonderful, I mean.

To appreciate just how wonderful, you really need to think and un-do everything you know about TV.

Imagine we live in a world where TV was never invented. There was never the rush to get home for Eastenders…

would you have wanted to be born pre TV? When disease ravaged the earth and left each and every one of us in a right old state?

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Why is everything so expensive?

I really do hate to keep banging on about the same thing, but as I was going through my mail the other day my quarterly gas bill erupted out of the envelope.

Now I’m the first person to admit that I like my creature comforts as much as the next bloke, but I don’t expect to have to pay through the nose for basic things such as heating and electricity. I already pay more tax and national insurance then is healthy and now I’m expected to bleed myself dry just to keep my home heated and powered! I wouldn’t mind so much if it weren’t for the fact that I know the profit margins the energy companies have. Why should I have to pay for some oil baron’s mansion and Tropical Island in the Caribbean?

I’m seriously considering applying for a job within the energy industry. At least then I should be able to get a discount on my bills. I’m still thinking about converting my car to diesel or to just trade in and get a diesel fuelled vehicle. Red Diesel Essex is able to offer me much cheaper rates on fuel then any other provider I can find. It’s just a shame that the majority of their fuel goes for home use and farming. That said, maybe I can get a job with their group and see if they can do something about my car as well.

Moaning is an essential part of my life and I make no apology for criticising the cost of my energy bills. After all, I know everyone else is a critic in some shape or form.

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Don’t drive unless it’s diesel.

Do you know what I hate more then anything? Well actually I hate a lot of things and love to grumble as regular readers of my blog will know. But what I hate more then anything else in the world is how much petrol and diesel prices have gone up in the past ten years!

I went to a garage to fill up the other day and paid well over the odds to get the tank just half full! My car is supposed to be the most fuel efficient on the road! Well it may be the most fuel efficient car since the petrol engine was invented, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m getting ripped off at the pumps! My friend Gary said I should switch to a diesel car as the fuel is a lot cheaper. Dirtier maybe, but cheaper definitely! I’m seriously thinking about it. He also recommended I get a car that took ‘red diesel’. I didn’t know what that was but apparently you get great tax breaks if you’re vehicle runs on it. The only problem is I looked it up and discovered it’s mainly used in agricultural vehicles like tractors. However it’s also used in boats. As another friend of mine owns a boat I’m going to ask him if he knows a good red diesel supplier as I’m seriously considering converting my car to take advantage of the tax break.

I hate how much it costs to top up at the pumps now!

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How criticizing helps the world

People often moan about the negatives of criticizing. But what about all the good and joy it brings? Without it, we’d all be in big trouble.

And now, if I may be so bold, I shall demonstrate why.

1) Reviews of books and movies are the only thing standing between you and wasted money. Without them we’d all be a lot more unhappy, and Amazon would probably go bust…

2) Reviews mean that you can book into the right hotel for you. And also you don’t end up on one of those holidays from hell programmes. Even better if you ask me.

3) Being negative in a restaurant is sometimes absolutely essential. They need to know they’re not providing a top-class service, don’t they? Being told they need to buck up their ideas means that food improves, wine gets better, and customers are all the happier.

4) It’s good for venting. Release some negativity about something awful, then let some good vibes in. You’ll be buying a new Caroline Shotton painting before you know it. Which will cheer you up.

5) I know, I know, don’t worry, I’m not even going to charge you for all this great advice!

6) Bad governments fall, dictators end up in prison, and the world gets a better deal of it. Poverty also falls because all that money is freed up which was previously being nabbed by the evil dictators.

7) More people moan than not, if you ask me, so be happy you’re in the majority!

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Where Are You, Lily?

I’ve loved Lily Allen ever since she burst onto the pop scene, teasing the world with her captivatingly naughty lyrics and refreshingly honest take on life. The fact that the girl don’t care makes me smile, yet watching her new documentary series – From Riches To Rags on Channel 4 – I can’t help myself feeling slightly saddened at her attitude. And when I say attitude I don’t mean that in a negative way, because from what I can see she has a good take on life – it’s more her attitude to business matters that concerns me.

As you will know if you’ve seen episodes 1 and 2, Lily Allen might be a great singer but when it comes to working out a business plan and how to spend money, she needs a lot of help. Fortunately for her she has her half-sister to help her, so all is not lost. But watching the drama unfold – as it gets closer to the big day of the duo opening their own boutique clothing store – you can’t help but feel like you want to dive behind the sofa. Or better still, into the TV and give her a damn good shake. “Wake up Lily!” you want to say, “this is not a joke!”

And it really isn’t. Yes she’s rich and yes she has millions of adoring fans (fans who would probably pay for the letters r4i if Lilly was to write them in her own excrement, I’m sure), but it wouldn’t take too much of a hitch to put a dent in her rather loving fan-base.

Here’s hoping that the girls get it sorted and that the numbers come out as well as Lily’s recent awards.

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From Riches To Rags…Or From Rags To Complete Disaster

If you were a bank manager and Lily Allen came into your high-street branch of Barclays, and Lilly Allen – on this occasion – was just any girl, how would this business plan sound: vintage clothing for women who can’t afford the really expensive supermodel clothes, run by me, sourced by me, everything, in fact, by me and my sister Sarah. Yes, my sister who I hated for years. Would that sound good? You’d probably put the sister-hating thing aside, what with being a numbers man or woman, and want to know about finances and experience first, before you really considered lending money.

But wait a minute, there is no money…and wait an even longer minute: there’s even less experience.

This wasn’t quite the situation at the start of the Lily Allen documentary last night (part 1 of 3), but it was close. With Lily bank-rolling the venture it was looking good. Then we learned that actually, between them they know precisely nothing about retail. Worse still, Lily is deluded about what money really is, what with being so rich, and her sister Sarah spent the last 10 years in a self-confessed party vacuum.

Suddenly, me and my friend Paul Kenton are thinking that maybe giving up music wasn’t the brightest move Lily Allen ever made…

Who knows how it’ll turn out. Obviously it wasn’t a miserable failure, seeing as the store is still open and seemingly doing well, but it will be intriguing to see how the girls get along in parts 2 and 3 when the going really gets tough.

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